Friday, 21 October 2011

Water, baby

In an effort to maintain something approaching form while my back is being stupid I decided to make a return to the pool tonight. After three and a half years of absence I had not missed the headdom (swimcap for those dictionary fascists out there) the goggles (can you say panda eyes) or the laughing at my tanlines. I have been manfully preparing with a thorpedoesque diet in the time since the season has finished but oddly that didn't help.

It appears that since my fleeting Oxford university tri club flirtation I had forgotten a lot of the vital bits of knowledge I once held about swimming, and so after one hour of splashing about I present my expert guide;

Things I now know about swimming

As a cyclist you will excel at the following aspects; wearing tight clothes, lacking body hair, posturing, pushing off the wall, breathing. As for the rest, you're buggered. Especially the swimming bit.

Skinny men sink.

Swimming in the Caribbean is more fun than in evesham leisure center

It is possible to half wheel someone in a swimming pool

It is not possible to check your bloodsugar when you keep getting things wet.

Swimming makes James hypo, fast.

It is not possible to eat a dextrose pill whilst swimming.

If you train with multisport athletes (see how nice I was there?) they will take this to be revenge time.

Just when you're about to catch someone they stop, always.

My hair is not swimcap compatible, the swimcap is wrong, my hair is not.

Swimmers go straps over hats, this is like sunglasses over helmet straps-vital insider knowledge. I don't think they embrace though and I'm not sure on colour matching of shorts, goggles and hats.

People will mistake omnipods for: bail tags, iPods, nicotine patches, heart rate monitors and pacemakers(?!)

Swimmers train at odd times, like before breakfast and at dinner time. Looking at a few of them they don't seem to let this prevent them from consuming said meals.

Swimming gets dull fast

-yep typed it with my thumbs: they're what makes us better than apes

Location:Outside the municipal leisure center


  1. All true, and all the more reason to get better so you can return to a fun sport.

  2. i tried to go swimming again today "EVESHAM LEISURE CENTRE'S SWIMMING POOLS are closed until further notice due to a plant room flood" oops!


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